I lied

 I’m happy. I’m happyyy. I’m happy!!!!!!! I kept telling myself that i’m happy. I was supposed to. I finish my exam, i passed it. I went out with my friends. We went shopping and we have lunch together. It’s been so long since i last hang out with them. Today was supposed to be a happy day to me. I was supposed to be happy!!! But why don’t i fee anything? Why i feel numb? Why i feel bad bcs i cant fell happy???

I’’m not supposed to feel this way. I’m not supposed to feel sad 😔. I hate feeling this way. I hate it so much i want it to end. I’m trying to be happy. I’m trying my hard to be normal. But i can’t. When someone said they’re disappointed with how i end up to be, i couldnt tell them how i’m more disappointed in myself. I don’t ask to be this way. I don’t want to feel like this. I want to be okay. I wish i’m happy. What else should i do. Isnt me surviving enough? 

Please be understanding, i myself hate feeling this way. I’ve tried my best to be as normal as you people. I just cant control how i feel. 

11/11/21

AN Lee

I hope you’re happy

Sorry i have to black out the face for privacy

 I have 1 older brother, 1 older sister, and 2 younger sisters. I’m the middle child :) middle child syndrome if anyone can relate. However hard my life is, i love all my siblings. They are my bestfriends since the first day i was born into this cruel world. They are always there to support me whenever i’m down and to cheer me whenever i succeed.

Last year, my one and only older sister got married with her boyfriend of a few months. My family and i dont really know her boyfriend. We only met him twice before the wedding. I, especially was really worried about my sister’s relationship. I’m afraid if she wont be happy after her marriage. Im afraid that the man wont treat her right, as well as our family taken care of her before. I felt that my sister was taken away from me. My one and only emotional supporter is gone, she’s no longer mine, i’ve lost her. I’m quite sad after her wedding. I can’t believe that my sister was married. She never even met with her husband’s family yet. What if they won’t treat her right? What if they abuse her? What if they dont like her? I don’t want my sister to suffer. And I wouldn’t want her to feel sad.

I didnt accept her husband till recently. They went back to her husband’s family home last week. Her husband is a shy man. He never showed his affection to her infront of us. So i always believe that he dont love her. But when they’re there, my sister post many video and pictures of them. One thing that i notice is how her husband always record her picture and video. If he dont love her, he wouldnt care about her in his village. I guess that’s just how he is. A shy man who rarely showed his affection but loving in silence. His family also treat my sister kindly. They bring her to their grandparents house, and introduced her to all their family. I’m happy to see that. I’m now relieve to let my sister go, i accept that she’s finally having a family of her own.

I hope they can continue to treat her well, and loved her as much as we loved her, or even more than us. I pray that she will continue to be happy. I wish you’re happy sis, with your husband and your new family. You are a princess in our family, we treat you as royalty. I hope no one will make you a slave in that family but continue to treat you like a queen as you deserve. I love you so much that I can’t bear to see you sad. 

I hope you happy and so will be me 👩🏻‍🤝‍👩🏽💕

With ❤️,

AN Lee

Mental health 1

 I’ve been missing for quite a few days now. I’m busy with classes and exam and went down with a flu in the middle of the pandemic!!! It scared the hell out of me. But after the swab test, it turn out to be just a regular flu. 😷

How are you guys now? Mentally and physically. Ever since i was diagnosed with several mental illness, I’ve always include those two aspects in my health condition, sometimes i’ll answer “I’m good, both physically and mentally,” most of time i’ll answer this way “i’m healthy physically but mentally unwell.”  There are times when i’m able to say “i’m stabled mentally but i have some physical problems.” Rarely said, “physically and mentally unwell”

Before this i always include the physical health only, for those who ask the question, but now i realise that sometimes, certain mental illness can manifest as physical illness also, so we should never exclude either one. It took a lot of times and courage  for me to finally open up about my mental health to others, especially my family and friends. I’ve lost several good friends as a result, but i also gains many new friends during my course of treatment. I guess, thats what always makes others felt reluctant to talk about mental health, people still find it taboo to talk about anxiety, depression, ptsd, self-harm, and suicide.

Nowadays, people are more open toward mental illness. There are better understanding in society. There are still some challenges that we have to overcome to create a better place for the mentally unwell in the future. Let’s normalise mental illness as we see diabetes, hypertension, asthma  and cancer. Lets give them the same amount of sympathy and empathy that you will give to other patients who is sick physically.

I’ll stop for now. My sleeping medication has done it worked so perfectly that I’m starting to feel drowsy, and have blurry vision. 💤 I’ll add a video if i have the chance. Goodnight everyone and have a sweet dream :D

With ❤

AN Lee

The Start

 Day 1,

I’ve been thinking to write a blog for a while now, I finally manage to! I hope this can be a place for me to share my story anonymously. I would like to create a story without feeling ashamed and scared of judgement. Some stories would be real while some are not. Hope you don’t judge me here. If you find it boring and not worth your time, it’s okay, you can just click back and not read my blog. If you find i interesting, i’m glad you are. 

P/s this blog will be full of my ranting and stories of me coping with my mentally unwell self. Hope no one will be triggered by it.

Bye for now, with ❤ 

AN Lee